There were so many untalented people going into Tessie Cal’s bar that they decided to put on a talent show. Once the word got out that first prize would be $200.00, many of the regular customers decided that they would enter.
It was Saturday night, and the bar was crowded. While the contestants eagerly waited for their names to be announced, they sat at the end of the bar having a few drinks to settle their nerves.
The spotlight went on, and Tessie announced the first contestant. Ronnie, one of the regular customers, sang “God Bless America”. He was a good enough singer, but he forgot to tune up his guitar before he started playing. So on a scale of one to ten, the judges gave Ronnie five free drinks.
The next contestant, Brendon, was a very good comedian. He told a few jokes, and did funny things to make the crowd laugh. He was very humorous, and when he tripped and fell going off stage, the judges gave him six free drinks.
Tessie entertained the customers in between acts, since she herself played the keyboard and guitar. She gave herself three free drinks while passing out song sheets and had a drunken sing-along. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.
The next two contestants were Gloria and Lorie, who happened to be sisters. They had natural skill, and the crowd went wild as they not only could tap dance, but also play the harmonica at the same time. The judges gave them seven free drinks, and could not wait to see what would happen next.
The next competitor was Banjo Bob, and once he got over his stage fright he did pretty well. He had two chairs set up on stage, and played, “Dueling Banjos”. He would play the first part from one chair, then move to the other chair and play the second part. He kept moving from one chair to the other, and as the song got faster, the faster he moved. The judges weren’t exactly sure what he was doing, but since he tried so hard they gave him nine free drinks.
Tessie played a few more tunes on the keyboard, gave herself three free drinks, and brought out her next contestant, Bouncer (her dog). Tessie had Bouncer dressed up in a raincoat and boots, and as she played “Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head”, Bouncer howled into the microphone keeping perfect time. The judges have Bouncer a bowl of water and a few dog biscuits.
A friend of Tessie’s was getting all of this on film with his video camera. It was a good idea, too, because this was the kind of night that nobody would believe unless they saw it.
Waldo The Magician was next, and when he made a mouse appear from a deck of cards it was great! It turned into a disaster though, when the mouse got loose and ran behind the bar. Ann, the barmaid, refused to work until the little critter was caught. So, Tessie had to tend bar temporarily. The judges gave Waldo two free drinks.
Danny, Tessie’s boyfriend, was a great story teller; he had traveled around the world in his twenties and thirties with his job and knew several languages. While wearing a beret and a drawn on mustache, he recited in French the story of how while in France the best pot he ever smoked and the pills that he took made him hallucinate and think he was flying through a cloud crying making it appear to rain. Since the story was told in French no one really knew what he was talking about, but the words and lively, quick motions he made seemed like a game of charades trying to describe, “What to do if ever caught in a national disaster”. Since Danny was not a drinker the judges gave him a prize of one frozen pizza and a Coke.
The last contest was Jimmy, who really surprised everyone with a song that he wrote himself, and he played the mandolin. He was usually a pretty quiet guy that no one knew very well, but he sure shocked the crowd and judges. It was a unanimous decision that Jimmy receives ten free drinks and wins the $200.00 prize.
A week later, they were playing the video tape in the bar, and it was all very amusing to see everything on film. A lot of the customers got a kick out of seeing themselves on the tape.
A woman, who had never been in the bar before, watched with amazement and then stood up and offered Tessie $500 cash for the film. Everyone laughed until they realized that the woman was serious. The woman went over to Tessie and said, “Listen, my name is Barbara Hartford, and I want to buy that tape.” When Tessie asked her why, she replied, “My daughter is married to a bum, and he is there on film with a blonde. My daughter stays in, night after night, with her three kids – while that bum of a husband of hers is out cheating on her. I just want her to see this film so she can wake up and get out of this marriage before it’s too late.”
Tessie did not know what to say, so she asked Barbara to point out in the film where her son-in-law was at on the tape. They backed up the film, and when Barbara shouted, “There’s the bum!” Tessie stopped the film. Tessie did not recognize the couple sine they were not regulars, and the bar had been so crowded the night of the talent show. However, the couple seemed to be very much in love.
“Listen,” explained Tessie as she drank a double shot, “I never realized when this tape was being made that it would cause any problems for anyone. I don’t want your $500, but if you have money like that to throw around, and you really want to help your daughter, you should give her the money towards a divorce lawyer. I’m sure if your daughter stays in night after night with her kids while her husband is out, she must be aware of what is going on. You showing her this film would only make matters worse.”
Who walks in the door? The son-in-law! And the battle began. Barbara jumped off the bar stool and started screaming and hitting him with her purse.
Just then, Jimmy walked in (the man that won the $200 prize) and walked to the end of the bar to order a drink. “Why is that woman attacking Leo?” he asked. Tessie replied, “You know that film we made…..” and told Jimmy the story.
Jimmy asked Tessie to put on the tape, and then went over to break up the fight between Leo and Barbara. Leo grabbed Jimmy by the arm and said, “Help me explain this! This lady is crazy!”
As they watched the film one more time, Jimmy pointed out the blonde was his wife. It turned out that the blonde, Jimmy, and Leo were all friends back in high school together. Leo had not seen Jimmy and his wife since they had gotten married,. They ran into each other in Tessie’s bar, and when Jimmy went up to sing, Leo and Jimmy’s wife sat together in the booth. When Jimmy won the prize, Leo and the blonde were so happy for him that they kissed and hugged one another.
“I still don’t trust you, you no good bum!” shouted Barbara as she slammed the front door on her way out.
Well, that was the last film shot in Tessie’s bar. She decided if every there would be anything filmed again, all of the customers would have to be given masks as they walked in the door. They all laughed it off, and it surely was a night to remember.
One beer Tom the jokester stopped in Tessie’s bar ordered a small glass of beer and said
“Here is the joke of the day”:
Beer and a Box
A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.
The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.
A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered to buy this little outfit that the man had. After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.
The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!"
The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?"
The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!"
"The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend ", chuckled the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"
A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.
The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.
A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered to buy this little outfit that the man had. After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.
The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!"
The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?"
The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!"
"The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend ", chuckled the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"
“Good one, Tom,” said Tessie, “You should have been here for amateur night last week, but we all know you are a professional and you would have stolen the show.” Tom laughed, finished up his beer and walked out the door.
Shortly after this happened Tessie wrote this poem:
Advice
Laughter is good for the brain
without it we’d all go insane
The best advice that I know is to get up and go
Round your charming friends you love ,cherish & enjoy
Lovely friends are around if I look
it usually took what it took
To gather up memories, story’s and songs
to smile with each other, and just get along
Sometimes to say nothing is a necessity at times
Enlightened, informed and I think.
and essentially forming a link
To the places recalled and bedazzled inside
For no other reason than to enjoy the ride
as beneficial as the collapse of the universe on the count of 3
Excuse, pardon ,forgivethe feeble, the forceful all live
Without the affection, the grievance will grow
rain, shine, sleet and snow. Don’t be so gullible,
rage will get you nowhere. Extend your heart and be reliable.
rage will get you nowhere. Extend your heart and be reliable.
Gather research and reach up above
quietness responds in love
Drink up, it’s good for the nerves
life has twists and many curves
Can’t you ever just be tranquil in the silence undisturbed?
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