Noreen the Queen

Noreen the Queen

The phone would ring and we all knew that if it was for Noreen. “She just left” is what we were supposed to say.  It did not matter who it was or how important it was, “She just left”.  Eventually they would stop calling and it no longer seemed urgent.  All Noreen wanted to do is to be left alone so she could drink in peace and quiet.  The jukebox was always blaring and drunks were arguing all around her, this is the peace and quiet she wanted.  Noreen certainly did not want the yap, yap, yaps of her husband or teenage kids.  She knew they would be OK because Noreen always left a twenty dollar bill on the kitchen table for them to order pizza or what ever they wanted for dinner.

Noreen would arrive at Tessie’s bar seven days a week at 6pm sharp.  She would put a twenty dollar bill on the bar which was good for at least fifteen drinks.  She would get drunk every night and caused quite a few problems at Tessie’s bar, but it was OK because she always left the bar-maid a twenty dollar tip.  Noreen was known to take a cab home at closing time.  The taxi driver would make sure he was on time to pick her up from the bar. He knew it was worth the hassle of carrying her into the taxi and up to her front door because there would be a twenty dollar tip in for him.

It was self will run riot for Noreen and everyone would let her do whatever she wanted.  It was only costing her $80.00 a day plus $5.00 each way in the cab so let’s say $90.00 a day to party hearty.  “My husband is an idiot” she would say.  When he met me he was penny less and now he lives in a beautiful house that I paid for.  He drives a classy car that I paid for and he has a great job that I arranged for him.   I pay all the bills and tuition for my children’s school.  When ever they want something from the mall, I give them my credit card.  I am a first-rate mother and an excellent wife.  Why the hell do they keep calling here looking for me?”

Just then, One Beer Tom, the jokester stopped in, ordered a small glass of beer and said

“Here is the joke of the day”:

A drunk is walking down the street one day and he meets a genie. "Today is your lucky day!" said the genie. "I'm going to give you two wishes. What will the first wish be?" The drunk thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending bottle of wine." So the genie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized bottle of wine. The drunk opens it up and starts drinking.  After three gulps the bottle is still the full. Next the genie says, "...And wish number two?" The drunk replies, "This is so cool man! I’ll have another one!"

Bouncer the dog looked up at Tom rolled his eyes, made a sigh and walked away.  Bouncer had heard a lot around Tessie’s bar.  If only he could talk I’m sure there would be a few more chapters in this book.  He was always polite and pretended to listen to all the drunks as though he was interested.

Tessie would wonder how Noreen kept her job as a legal secretary for the last 15 years.  How the hell did she get up every morning without hesitation, with a huge hangover and pull this off for the last 15 years?   Tessie had once asked her “How do you do it?”  “Well” Noreen said “ I will  tell you my  little secret .  Every morning when I get up I have a four ounce glass of whiskey, no more or no less.  Then I eat four raw eggs, no more or no less.  I take four pills, one speed, one valium, one antidepressant and one B- vitamin. The combination is amazing and makes me feel like a queen.  I can accomplish anything I put my mind on, however the main thing is I have something to look forward to at 6:00pm every night which is drinking here at the bar.  It makes me happy and I am not hurting anyone.”   I sit here at the end of the bar, away from all the regulars, I enjoy the jukebox and listing to everyone.  I try to mind my own business and just sit here enjoying my drinks”. 

“The reason I ask” said Tessie” is that even though the lights are not so bright in here, you are starting to look a little yellow.  That is not a good sign and all the money in the world won’t help once your liver starts to fail.  Did you ever consider going off the booze”? “Listen” said Noreen “My liver is just fine and if you ever say anything like that to me again, I will take my business elsewhere.”  “I am a valuable customer and all I want to do is drink and be left alone!”

Tessie poured herself and Noreen a double shot and she said to Noreen” I know you are a great customer and don’t want to hear any lecture on the booze, but I will only say what I have got to say once and then never bring it up again. Your husband stopped by this morning and gave me this list of things he wants me to talk to you about.  Your kids call here every night because they are worried about you and your husband and kids would rather have you at home with them. The other night your son told me that you fell twice when you got home and he thought you were dead.  Your daughter told me that you have never been to one of her soccer games or any of her sporting events.  She told me that in a way it is better because she knows you would show up drunk and embarrass her in front of her friends if you did go.  Your husband told me to please, please, please try to talk to you about this because by the time they see you, you are already drunk and uncontrollable. They thought you might just listen to me.  They have made plans for you to go to an alcohol treatment center tomorrow morning. Now you need to know that if you refuse they are changing the locks on the door.  They will cancel your credit cards and do not want anything more to do with you or your drinking.  They are tired of watching you slowly kill yourself.  Your husband says he still loves you, but is sick of your disease, your embarrassing behavior and legal problems are piling up. He wants back the original woman he married. He sees signs of shakiness and is sick of you always being sick.  Your kids said to tell you the party is over and have observed decline in your health and your inability to focus. They say you completely neglect or avoid any type of social commitments.  Your unpredictable behavior and inappropriate spending has got to stop.  You are spending their college money!  Also your boss has been talking with your husband regarding your work ethnics lately.  Your boss said you are not yourself anymore and making a lot of mistakes. You are very defensive about unexplained absences or prolonged breaks. The habit of leaving work early or staggering in late is no longer acceptable.  You have not been yourself and have been very disorganized for the last year. You barely met deadlines or miss them altogether.   Your boss is in agreement with your husband and kids that if you do not go into treatment tomorrow morning your job if finished.  He said important clients were in the office last week and you smelled of booze and saw you later that day passed out on your desk taking a snooze.  I drink a lot myself said Tessie, but when it’s time to go to treatment, it’s time to go to treatment.”

Noreen said “Call me a cab now”   Tessie called the cab and said no more.

The following evening at 6:00pm… No Noreen the queen.  Great thought Tessie, she must have gone to treatment.  Several weeks went by and the phone rang it was Noreen’s son asking if his mother was there?  “No” said Tessie “I have not seen her in several weeks.  Noreen’s son sounded very worried.  “My mom refused to go into treatment and we had no choice but to change the locks and pray that she would change her mind.  We found out that she moved into a room above the bar on Main Street and has been drinking from morning to night now that she does not have a job.  My father went over there last night and the owner said he is not going to serve her anymore.  It’s not worth the trouble he said.  Also he wants her out of that room within 30 days or he is going to throw her out.  Said she is causing too many problems.

Just then a detective walked into Tessie’s bar. “I’ll call you back” said Tessie.  The detective had a picture of Noreen and asked a few customers if they had seen her in the last few days.  No it’s been several weeks since we seen her. The detective responded with “well we have a warrant for her arrest”.  Her purse was found floating in the lake this morning and we thought she had drown, however turns out that her friend that owns a house boat was robbed and murdered last night.  Noreen was seen leaving the boat at 6:00am this morning.  At 7:00am Noreen was seen at the liquor store.  She used a stolen credit card of her murdered friend; her drunken stupor is no excuse this time. Noreen is now our prime suspect.

Tessie opened the bar as always the following morning and grabbed the paper as she sipped her coffee. The headline caught her attention with “Suspect captured in houseboat murder”. Well, Tessie thought as she read through the article, I guess she will have no choice other then to stop drinking now.  That choice had been made for her. I’m sure she would have rather gone to rehab, had her family and job. Now all she has is a nine by twelve room in the jail and all her memories of when she was “Noreen the Queen”.

Tessie wrote this poem:

                   Denial

I have it all my life is good, for the moment.

 This is the way to go, though my thoughts are quite insane.

If I don’t tell you, you’ll never know. The rain is only on my window pane.

If I close the curtain just for today and never look outside,

I can tell myself the sun is shining brightly.

My own little world is under construction.

Things can be fixed once they are broken.

I look in the mirror and see that life is good.

I look at the closed curtain and see that I can make it rain or shine.

It’s all up to me and I like the curtain closed for the moment.

Maybe I’ll open it tomorrow or the next day.

My own little world is under construction.

Suddenly I am in a new world, life is not so good.

Bars I do not recognize. Not the kind I am familiar with.

 The moment they told me what I did.  I called them liars.

Why would I do that? I am a decent law abiding citizen.

When it’s time, it’s time.  Do the crime, do the time

Only wished I could remember. No window, not my world.