Ladies Night
Every Wednesday night at Tessie Cal’s bar was always a night to remember. It was ladies night, and all of the men were out to meet the women of their dreams. Most of the time it was all of the regular customers, but sometimes when the word got out about ladies drinking for half price, some new ladies would venture in.
One lady named Thelma came in and ordered a large bottle of beer. The only thing unusual about Thelma was that she could drink twenty-two bottles of beer before she had to go to the ladies room. She was usually a regular on Wednesday, and the only reason Tessie served her was that she was afraid to bar her since Thelma was 6’2” and weighed two hundred and ninety nine pounds.
Another lady that was in almost every Wednesday was Sheila. She could drink a shot of whiskey without picking up the shot glass with her hands. She would pick up the glass with her teeth, and she would throw down the shot in one fast swallow. Her friend Mary could do the same with a small bottle of beer. She’d pick it up in her teeth and guzzle the bottle of beer in about ten seconds. The men use to really get a kick out of this, and they would buy the girls drinks all night, just for a laugh.
One Wednesday night that was out of the ordinary was the night that a lady named Maureen came in. She sat at the end of the bar, minding her own business while having a nice, quiet drink. After about five drinks she started giving Sheila a dirty look as if she was ready to kill. “I know who you are!” shouted Maureen. Sheila looked at her in shock, she obviously didn’t recognize her. “What’s your problem?” asked Sheila. Out of nowhere, Maureen came charging down the bar and challenged Sheila to go outside. It seemed that Maureen knew for a fact that Sheila had been out with her boyfriend, and she wasn’t very happy about it. Before long, the two ladies were out in back of the bar fighting, swearing, and jumping over cars in the parking lot.
Bouncer was barking and looking in disbelief as the “Ladies” were in a violent rage and hair was starting to fly around the parking lot.
Tessie figured that she better call for the police, since Maureen drew blood out of Sheila. The whole thing was really getting out of hand! When the police arrived the ladies stopped fighting, but the swearing and screaming kept up. The next thing that happened was Maureen and Sheila were both driven away in a police paddy wagon.
Meanwhile, inside the bar Thelma was still throwing down big bottles of beer while Mary picked up the small bottles with her teeth. Tessie shook her head and went back behind the bar. After only fifteen shots and ten beers, Ann, the afternoon barmaid, was asleep at the bar and snoring.
In came two guys that Tessie had never seen before. They sat down and ordered bottles of beer while looking around the bar. Before long, one of the men asked Mary to dance; they seemed to be having a wonderful time. No one knows what happened or why, but Mary threw a drink in his face. He and his friend that he came with got up and left the bar, never to return.
Most of the regular guys never missed a Wednesday night. It was very amusing, and gave them plenty of stories to talk about for the remainder of the week. They would always bet on who would have to drive DUI Dee home, since she was always too drunk to drive or ride her bike.
Usually on Wednesday night Tessie’s boyfriend Danny would go out with his buddies, and sometimes he would make it back to the bar by closing time (if he could find his way). Tonight he staggered in stoned early and an ambulance had to be called when he began having a drug-related seizure. His doctor had warned him that the seizures would continue if he did not lighten up on his drug use. Always in denial he would blame something else: It was because of hitting his head when he was young. It was because of vision problems. It was because of a bat that flew over his head because the flickering wings made him have a seizure. Tessie was too drunk to go with Danny to the hospital and since this happed about every 6-7 weeks she told the ambulance to just take him to the hospital, but this time keep him to get detoxed off these damn pills (once again).
In the middle of everything One beer Tom the jokester stopped in Tessie’s bar ordered a small glass of beer and said
“Here is the joke of the day”:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' 'Only when he's been drinking.'
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The grand finale of the night was when two ladies who happened to be twin sisters, Rose and Roselyn, came in. They ordered double shots of vodka, and then started yelling smoothing in another language. The language might have been Russian, but nobody knew for certain. Before throwing down each double shot they would yell out, “Hai ya! Hai ya! Hai ya vo!” They would drink the shot before banging the shot glass on the bar.
Tessie was not in the mood for this and after several drinks (doubles), she decided that after tonight there would no longer be ladies’ nights on Wednesdays. Instead she decided that Wednesday night should be a drunken sing along night, or maybe have beer chugging contests? One of the guys suggested belly dancers and Tessie said” anything would go over better than ladies night.”
Later that night after closing the bar, Tessie had several more drinks and wrote a poem called, “The Proposal”. It was about a woman named Molly Lu that had not been to ladies night in the last six months or so because she was currently in a long term rehab facility. The next morning, Tessie recited this to some of the regulars and they all had quite a laugh.
The Proposal
There was a lovely singer and her name was Molly Lu
Her Father was an Irish man, her mother was a Jew
She could sing the Hills of Kerry and songs about denial
She was really very funny and her songs all had great style
She was a lovely dancer, she could waltz or dance a Jig
The only thing wrong with her, were her hips were very big
So for exercise she’d dance all night, until the break of dawn
She’d dance with Pat, Mick and Joe, but she really fancied Sean
Sean was a big drinker, a little shaky on his feet
He also fancied Molly Lu, thought she was very sweet
So he’d take her on the dance floor and twirl her all about
The look of love was in their eyes, there wasn’t and doubt
They belong together, like two peas in a pod
The chicken and the egg, and the turf and the sod
So when he popped the question, asked “will you be my wife”?
We’ll live happily ever after and we’ll have a lovely life
She said perhaps I’ll marry you, but first I need to see
How much is in your bank book, and if you can handle me
Cause you know I never want to work, or cook or clean or sew
We need to go to town each night, where the beer & music flow
I don’t want to be stuck at home, beside the lovely fire
You know I like my Guinness and to dance is my desire
If you promise me a lovely, fairy tail style life
For sure I would be happy, to be your darling wife
So Sean ran to the bank, and he took out a loan
Charged a lovely wedding ring, 2nd mortgage on his home
But they lived happily ever after, and are out dancing every night
He then goes to his 2nd job, they have no time to fight.
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