Forty-Five Minutes

Forty-Five Minutes

A young man walked into Tessie Cal’s bar at about 7:15 AM.  He wore an old pair of jeans and had on a flannel shirt.  He was carrying a small brown suitcase, and he seemed to be quite a bit nervous.  He sat at the bar and said, “Give me a shot of vodka and a glass of beer.”  Tessie gave him his drink, and before she could finish pouring the shot he said, “Pour me another.”  He seemed like a nice enough guy, but Tessie could not remember ever seeing him around before.  Tessie introduced herself before asking the man his name.  “My name is Jack Cronin,” he replied, “I live down the block from here, but have never been in here before.”  Jack then asked Tessie for quarters for the jukebox.  “By the way,” he added, “I must make a phone call, bring me an extra quarter.”

Jack played a few songs on the jukebox, and then headed for the phone.  When he finished with his phone call, he sat back down and ordered another drink.  Jack stated,” Usually I don’t drink, but I’m really fed up today.  As a matter of fact, until recently I hadn’t had a drink in eight years.”  He drank down his shot before ordering another drink.  He added, “I just called for a cab, and they said it would take about forty-five minutes for it to arrive.”

Bouncer, the dog, was still asleep in one of the booths after guarding the bar all night. He then opened one eye, and looked around to be sure Tessie was safe.  Before you knew it, he was making that noise that dogs make when they dream with little growls along with the dream noise.

Tessie had a terrible hangover from the previous night, so she poured herself a double shot and bought one for Jack.  “Where are you going to in the cab?” asked Tessie.  Jack answered, “I just sold my car last night along with just about everything I own from my apartment.  Everything I own right now is in this suitcase.  I am going to the airport, but I’m not quite sure where I’m going to yet.”  He took a breath and looked down at his feet where his suitcase was sitting, “Maybe I’ll go to New York or Florida; I want to start fresh.  My wife divorced me last week, and she got custody of our two kids.  My son Mike is two, and Tommy will be five next month.  I sure will miss them.”  Jack ordered another drink, and then bought one for Tessie – trying to cure their hangovers together.  They took turns making toasts to each other:

In all this world, why I do think
There are five reasons why we drink:
Good friends,
good wine,
lest we be dry
and any other reason why.

May you be in heaven fifteen minutes before the devil knows you are dead."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!


May those who love us, love us, and those that don’t love us,

May God turn their hearts;  and if he doesn’t turn their hearts,

May he turn their ankles so we will know them by their limp.

I’ve drank to your health in taverns

I’ve drank to your health in my home.

I’ve drank to your health, so damn many times

that I nearly ruined my own.

Four blessings upon you...
Older whiskey
Younger women
Faster horses
More money

May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you

May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future.

May your bank account always be bigger than your troubles.

Here’s to those who wish us well,

and those that don’t can go to hell.

Jack continued talking, “My wife Nancy is a very good woman, and we have been married for eight years.  I met her at a damn AA meeting!  For the last eight years, our life together has been very good, but when I started drinking again a few months ago, she said she could not live with me.  She took the kids and went to stay with her mother.”  Looking into the mirror, he added, “I guess you really can’t blame her; Nancy hasn’t drank in eight years now. When I started drinking now she said that she would leave, but I really can’t believe that she’s gone.” He took a short pause before continuing, “I’m going to another state, where I can start fresh.  Once I get off of the plane, I’ll find a job and won’t touch another drop.”  As Jack ordered another shot he looked up at the clock, “The taxi should be here soon.” He said, “It’s been about half an hour since I called.” He took a sip from his beer before he spoke. “When I get everything under control, I’ll call Nancy and the kids, and we’ll all get back together.”

It seemed funny that it was 7:45 and no other customers had come into the bar yet.  Jack and Tessie continued their conversation, and Jack played a few more tunes on the jukebox.  Willie Nelson was singing a song when Jack asked Tessie to dance.  As they were dancing, Jack said, “This was mine and Nancy’s favorite song.  I will really miss her and the kids.”  Tessie told Jack that you can’t run away from yourself, and that wherever you go you take yourself with you.

It was now 8:00, and the taxi was outside the bar.  Tessie looked at Jack, “There’s your cab Jack.  Take care of yourself; I hope everything works out for you.”  Jack looked hopeful as he spoke, “Nancy’s mother only lives a few miles from here.  I think I’ll take the cab over there and try talking to her one more time.  I know if I promise to stop drinking and start back with the A.A. meetings she’ll take me back.  I just hope I can do it.”

Jack waved goodbye to Tessie, and Tessie figured that she would never see him again.  Fortunately, she was wrong.  A few weeks later Jack came into the bar with a woman.  A bright smile was spread across his face, “Tessie, I would like for you to meet my wife, Nancy.  Give us two cokes and some quarters for the jukebox.”

One beer Tom the jokester stopped in Tessie’s bar ordered a small glass of beer and said

“Here is the joke of the day”:

Marraige Counselor

A drug addict and his wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. He seems paranoid. It's very embarrassing." The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time!  Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?" The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

_____________________________________________________________________________

Jack and Nancy had sat for hours talking and singing along with the jukebox.  Then, for no apparent reason, Nancy pushed away the coke and said, “I think I’ll have a small glass of wine.” She proceeded to drink two bottles.

Jack jumped off of the barstool and shouted, “Listen Nancy, if you’re looking for me or the kids we’ll be at my mother’s!”

Nancy became a regular at Tessie Cal’s bar. Seemed like she was drinking to escape?   For the next three years Jack would stop in about once a month and try to talk Nancy into going for help.  She was drinking a quart a day and then disappeared for six months.  Tessie assumed she had worked things out with Jack, only later to find out that Nancy had passed away with cirrhosis of the liver. 

Just then DUI Dee walked into the bar looking great and proclaiming, “I just got out of detox and missed you all!”  She turned toward Tessie, who was behind the bar, “Just give me a coke and small shot.  I’m going to pace myself today.  I have to be careful because it won’t be long until I go to court to get my license back.”

Tessie’s boyfriend Danny strolled in the door with a look of guilt on his face as he explained why he did not make it home last night.  Seems he was passed out stoned in his car and awoken by his boss calling to let him know he was not only late again, but fired.

DUI Dee pounded down the drinks.  In between ordering more shots she would go back and forth between the jukebox and the pay phone.  She was well known for getting drunk and calling her family to force them to listen to her drunken nonsense.  This time was no different, except her family was wiser and hung up on her every time she called!

Shortly after this happened Tessie wrote this poem, or let’s call it a toast:

                 Time

Drink to happiness,

and memories for another day.

Drink to understanding why

the moments keep slipping away.

Drink to right time and place,

not really knowing where.

Drink to keeping up with the pace

and hoping you’ll be there.

Drink to enjoy all you do,

without reason, cares or rhyme.

Soon your days will be through

and it will be closing time.

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